| Manda 的个人资料Blue Kind照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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3月15日 Wow, time goes on....Yes, I know, it's been a while again. My life has changed so drastically in the last few months; it's unbelievable (ok, it is believable, but that's an expression and it makes it sound really intense which is what I was going for). I'm with an amazing man. The type of man I dreamed about marrying someday. I'm so lucky to have hime and I'm lucky that circumstances worked the way they worked so that we could be together. Imran and I splitting up was devastating to me, but looking back, I see that sometimes I get so wrapped up in my little bubble world that I don't look at the world around me. Thank god I looked around a little, because I've never felt better in my life. Life is good. It's good that life is good. Isn't that good? I like good. Good. Good bye. 8月9日 Strange, stranger, strangestYes, it's been a while. I've been a bit preoccupied with my life and haven't had (or made) much time for the ol' blog. A lot has changed, yessirree! My fiance' and I are no longer together. I've met someone new and I think I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. It's strange to think that only a few months ago I was convinced there was only one man for me. Now I've met someone who I feel very strongly about and imagine I can be just as compatible with (probably more even). Strange to think I might not have met this new person had my fiance' not dumped me. A situation like this makes me feel like there is something such as fate. I know, I know, there are a lot of questions and inconsistencies when it comes to fate. For example,what about free will,? But how else should I explain the astounding number of coincedences which led me to where I now am at? It's all just a little too surreal for me sometimes. 3月30日 World-weary
3月11日 Once Again, It Is II've been gone, but now I'm here. Things have been up and down and all around. Much like a coast roller. I'm sick now, but before I wasn't. London was fun and I wanted to stay. I saw my fiance and it was a happy time. Then I had to say goodbye and all was sad again. Each day I grow more fond of him. I grow more hopeful that we will be together soon. It's been 3 1/2 years dammit! That's long enough I'd say, but what does it matter what I say? Together we will be, in body, not just mind. Ain't love grand?! 1月23日 Here I am...I wish I had no regrets. Sort of funny to say that I guess; "I regret having regrets". Just because I say that it doesn't mean I'm not trying in my life now. I can feel bad sometimes about the choices I've made, but still be a good person. It can still mean that I have a fighting chance of turning out to be a half way decent person. Isn't that all anyone can hope for anyhow? Being a half way decent person, I mean. Yeah, so that's what I want in my life. From now on if anyone wants to know my aspirations, I'm going to say that I want to someday be a half way decent person. That's what I am going to say. Yessirree! 11月14日 That's LifeIt seems sometimes, I may be slowly losing my mind. The little receptors inside my brain which tell me how to feel or how to perceive a situation or person, have gone haywire. Lately every situation I find myself in, and nearly every person I encounter creates within my mind a very uncomfortable feeling. I begin to hear myself criticizing every aspect of every situation. Perhaps it is a result of my desire to feel in control of situations. When a situation is outside of my control, I tend to become more critical (because I could, of course handle any situation better if I just did it myself). As can be imagined, this anxious feeling in my body makes it very difficult for me to communicate effectively.
Gradually I hope to quiet my mind. I'm actually a very nice person. Hopefully I'll start to feel a bit nicer and it will start to show in my actions. Anyone who comes accross me in my less than accepting state, I beg your forgiveness. In a good year or so I hope to have these demons excised! 10月24日 Believe it or NotSometimes I don't know what to believe. My religious stance is very uncertain, although I grew up in a christian household. The majority of my family members are considerably right winged in terms of politics, but I consider myself to be a liberal. People make me mad and sometimes I think I'd like to be a raving bitch to turn them straight, but generally I think it's  more important to be kind. I guess for the most part depending on the situation I will lean one way or another. Does that make me a weak person? Does that mean I don't have a mind of my own? Perhaps, but I think it also makes me a more understanding and caring person. I'm willing to bend a little and see both sides of a situation before making a judgement. Some people might call that naive, I call it open-minded.10月7日 Donkey AccidentsWhile browsing a fellow spaces blog (Tie-Dye and a Hangman's Noose), I came accross the statistic
 "More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes". I thought this was one of the coolest things I ever heard, but it really got me to thinking. How exactly do they know such a thing? Are there really that many donkey accidents in a year? Who keeps track of such a statistic? Well, I turned to the internet for my answer and was somewhat disappointed. Apparently this is one of those things that gets passed around the internet and no one really knows where it originated. Basically though, I found out it may be true, but there isn't any way to tell. The fact is, no one really does keep track of such statistics, at least not in any orderly way. Thanks to my google search, I was able to find that donkey accidents are a regular occurence in some developing countries. That is pretty interesting. Actually, when I was visiting my fiance' in Pakistan, we regularly saw donkeys roaming the streets and being ridden by passengers. I imagine having donkeys around regularly would eventually result in some donkey accidents. Despite finding the assertion untrue, I decided I liked it enough to continue using it as a truth. Maybe everyone can help me spread it as a truth. That would be fun! 9月16日 BananananananaMy friend is eating a banana for breakfast so she told me to write about it. Bananas are good. They have a very interesting texture and some great health benefits of which I know little. Babies can eat bananas because they are so soft and don't need to be chewed. My friend's husband said you shouldn't feed them the seeds, but we couldn't get him to explain why not other than that is what his mother said.
I was a music performance major in college. Needless to say, I did a lot of performing. Although I was fairly used to getting up in front of crowds and playing, I'd still become a bit jittery. Somehow my friends and I got it into our heads that bananas were a natural anxiety blocker. We would all sit around eating bananas before big performances and then blow the sticky goo through our instruments. Ahhhh, those were the days.
While researching the highly intelligent information for this blog, I came across a very depressing article on BBC. What ever would we do without the banana?! Hopefully I will not have to see the day when bananas become extinct and we have to settle for, what? A pineapple split? Chocolate covered pomegranate on a stick? Sliced oranges on our cereal? 9月9日 I Think I'm An 80 Year Old Woman...These days I’ve been so irritable that I’m starting to think I’ve become my 80 year old self. People on the bus don’t move to the rear so they force me to shove past in search of a seat or more spacious area. The woman sitting next to me constantly yells at and swats her 2 year old daughter for *gasp* begging to sit on her mother's lap. Pedestrians walk across the street with no regard to traffic or traffic signals and consequently slow down MY commute to work. People talk and drone on and on about nothing in particular or about something in their incredibly dull lives. As you can see I’ve reached the peak of irritability and will probably self destruct in approximately 90 seconds. It’s been nice knowing you. 8月30日 Like A PigI am so hot right now! It is insane because it's not that hot outside, but I am dripping with sweat. What is my problem? I'm doing some tedious work, but it's not like I'm lifting boxes or slugging heavy things around. Jeez how 'bout a little more a.c.?
So, I got to thinking, where did the saying "sweating like a pig" come from? Pigs don't sweat. They roll around in muck and mud. That's not what I'm doing (though I sort of feel like it). My feet are even sweating. That's the absolute worst. I know that my excessive sweating runs in the family. My dad used to sweat so much (and so potently) that his watch would become corroded because of the moisture on his arm. Now that's crazy!
I can't imagine what all the people effected by Katrina are doing right now. I'm complaining about being hot and uncomfortable while sitting in an air conditioned office. They have no homes and no power. I really do feel sorry for them. 8月18日 Me? Moody?Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I get a little moody, but I have a damn good reason. My moods are very strong and sometimes are out of my control. One minute I'm going along fine, enjoying the norm of my daily life and BAM! It hits me like a brick wall dropped from the sky. Depression. I sink into it like it's the yummy gooeyness of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. What's a person to do except allow the marshmallow goodness to surround me and wrap me in chocolate, carmel heaven? Wow, that makes depression seem almost inviting.
Everyday I struggle with the invitation of depression. It is a constant battle for me. Often times it wins and my thoughts are consumed by nothing else. Perhaps some of you out there know the feeling. The unmistakable feeling of deep depression. It takes over my entire being and eventually I don't even realize what's happened; I just become the depression.
Now that I'm thinking about depression from outside of its grasp, it is easy to see what it is or how to overcome it. It is a state of mind, a mere part of my being that assumes total control. It is in no way who I am or what I wish to become. Eventually I plan to be in total control of it and squash it all together. For now I will view it and study it to better understand and hopefully plan its demise. 8月16日 Should I Be Immortal?Suppose we could live forever if we chose. What would you do? I really can't decide strangely enough... I'm reading "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins and it discusses the idea of immortality. Imagine living for centuries; so much change to witness, so many people to meet, so many chances to make a difference. Still, I'm not sure, if given the opportunity to live forever, that I would choose to do so. Does that seem strange? Shouldn't we all want to live forever? I suppose part of me is just plain curious about the afterlife. Part of me would have a hard time living beyond my family and friends and part of me thinks that I wouldn't put in the energy to make my immortality worthwhile. Anyway, it is something to ponder. 8月11日 My head is swimmingThere is the most foul odor in my office right now. Some sort of chemical has invaded my work space and it is nearly unbearable. There are actually people here that are enjoying the smell and don't seem to be bothered by it one bit. Its amazing how different people can be. Here we are, a small community in our little office and so many different personalities. We spend the majority of our waking hours together, yet we really know nothing about each other's true nature. That is such a strange concept to me... Or maybe the fumes are just getting to me. 8月4日 NormalcySometimes I become extremely self absorbed and the goings on around me are not a factor in my thoughts. It’s such a strange feeling to not notice and to not notice that I’m not noticing. Suddenly something will strike me; like the extremely large hoops a girl was wearing on the bus today-they touched her shoulders, or the man who was walking to the back of the bus and started toppling one way and then the other and finally toppled neatly into an empty seat.
When I moved to Chicago from Montana, everything was so new and I very seldom fell into “cattle mode”. Now I mosey along with the rest of the herd, keeping my eyes obediently cast down or to the side, but rarely staring another member of the herd directly in the eye. I didn’t understand at first, but it becomes a way of feeling a bit of solitary. Finding alone time is very difficult in a large city as there are always people around. Now I don’t feel so badly about my vacant staring on the bus or train or walking down the street. Occasionally I will feel like being a bit social and I’ll make a passing comment to someone standing next to me waiting for the light to change, or I’ll smile warmly to someone on the train. Being lost in my own little world is a bit comforting, but it is also nice having the bustle of the people hurrying around me. There is always someone or something to watch to keep my mind occupied. 7月18日 Giving In...Sometimes I seem so sure of myself and my beliefs and I'm certain that no one can break me. Then someone stops me in the hall and asks if I will please go see Wedding Crashers....of course I said yes. This is just a small example of a much larger problem. It seems my resolve is not so strong as I would like to admit it is. It seems, in fact, that I am somewhat of a spineless weakling when it comes to standing up for what I believe. Inside my head I am so sure and know what I believe is right, but I cannot force my actions to play along. It is all so very frustrating. Much of the time I am scared to stand up for my beliefs because someone might tease me or poke fun; maybe even worse, maybe they'll actually cause physical harm. What would I do then? I guess all I can say is...."sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" and then shield myself from the blow. 7月11日 Heel Canyon...In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit obsessed with feet. Now I have this huge crack in my heel and it hurts so bad. I'm trying to keep it moist, but then my feet slip all over. Hopefully it will heal soon because it is a pain... in the foot. 6月24日 What's the Big Idea?!If I just sit here I'm doing nothing, which is exactly what I'm doing at the moment. My brain may just explode in a moment. Right now I am sitting at the front desk at work, covering for the receptionist. How does she do this day in and day out? I have a renewed respect for her. This job is boring. So now I will blog nonsense and not know what else to say because my brain is mush. How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a beanstalk? There is gold in them there hills! I think I found some in my cereal this morning and now I am rich. Where should I spend all my rupees? Not in one place for darn sure. If I stay in this place I may just get run over by a moving train and then I am not going anywhere this weekend. I am forever ranting about nothing and wishing it was something, but alas I am never what I needed to be that one time. 6月23日 Momentum...It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. ~ Confucius I could use a little fire lit under the old arse right now. Is what Confucius says correct? I sure hope so because I’m going rather slowly right now. There are a lot of things in my life that I’m trying hard to change and it is very tedious work. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I just can’t get the hang of something right now! I suppose if something is important it is worth waiting for. I sure hope so because at the moment I believe I am the queen of waiting. 6月9日 My embarrasmentYesterday I wore a skirt to work with no pantyhose and my upper thighs rubbed together so much they started bleeding. I was so embarrassed and I didn't know what to do. Immediately I called my mother and started sobbing to her as blood ran in streaks down my two legs. Well I thought I looked cute before that, but all day I could only think about whether or not the gauze I taped to my thighs was showing. Okay, go ahead and laugh. I am now too (believe me, it wasn't funny yesterday). |
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