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12月31日 Law & OrderThere's a Law & Order marathon on today for  New Year's Eve. I think I could watch Law & Order all day every day and never tire of it. It's just so good. There's so much suspense. I'm sure it's pretty fake but I just don't care. It's nice to know that the bad guys get caught once in a while. Those detectives are so smart. Man, I feel like a bum just laying here watching hour after hour of Law & Order, but maybe I'll learn a thing or two about catching bad guys. One never knows when that might come in handy.12月17日 Bah Humbug!It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Blech. At one time in my life, it all seemed so exciting and magical. As I grew older I started realizing that so much of what the holiday had become was completely phony and removed from the true spirit of the holiday. I have to admit that it's turned me into somewhat of a scrooge. Part of it is that I'm away from my brothers and mother for the holidays so none of the traditions I grew up with are with me anymore, but something inside of me seems to have snapped.
I think it is important for people to remember that there is more to the holidays than giving pricey gifts or hob-knobbing with the neighbors. People should be kind to one another as a general rule. Let's try to have Christmas year-round. Peppermint lattes at Starbucks, Candy Cane pie at Baker's Square, and mint M & M's should be available all year as well.
Hope you all enjoy your holidays. I must go count my gold coins now. 10月27日 Mean GirlWhile I'd say I agree that "mean people suck", I have to admit that I have my moments of being right up there with the meanest of mean. What is it that can prompt me, a considerably kind person, to suddenly feel the need to speak ill of another person? When I hear others talk negatively about another person, it makes me cringe. For the most part, I just think everyone should try to get along and assertively approach a person if I have any issues with them. Sometimes though, it just hits me. Someone will do something that fires me up and I'll start just spewing whatever comes to mind to whoever is around to listen. Often I will immediately feel regretful and try to downplay what I have just said. I wish it was a lot easier to just hold my opinions inside until I've actually thought about doing something constructive with them. That way, no one would get hurt, and I won't be stuck looking like a mean girl. 10月20日 Engrossing NovelLast night I read an entire Harlan Coben novel. It was very good and I just couldn't put it down. There were several times that I attempted to sleep, but I'd just become interested in the book again and decided to just finish it. Perhaps it was the suspense of not knowing where the kidnapped baby was; I don't really know. I've read other books by Coben and found them to be very enticing, but not like this one was. Sometimes I read books like this and feel sort of guilty because I don't feel I'm getting anything intellectual out of them. I try to change things around a bit but sometimes I just get stuck in a certain genre. Needless to say, I am very tired as I didn't get to bed until around 3 a.m. That is well past my bedtime, but I feel it was well worth it... 10月12日 Maybe Next TimeWell, I went to the White Sox/Angels play-off game last night and watched the White Sox lose. The game was very exciting and there were some great moments, but they just didn't play their best. It was very sad to not win, but I know it is a game and there are more important things to spend my time worrying about (I'll probably get shot for saying that). Anyway, I am not losing hope. They can still win and I'll be very anxious during the game tonight. After talking to my aunt, she informed me that the steals that caused Sox outs were mistakes. Apparently Podsednik misread the hand signs. I was really confused about that last night; why would he sacrifice an out like that. Well, I guess I got my answer. Really, I don't know a lot about baseball, but I do like to watch it, especially the White Sox.
GO SOX! 10月11日 Grab The TumsGrowing up with four brothers was sometimes an experience. We have so many stories to tell and so many memories - good and bad. There were times when we were there to offer support during a difficult time and then there were times when we would beat each other silly over absolutely nothing. Some of my best memories are ones that involve my brothers. One of the more funny stories just came to mind for me. It was actually fairly recent during one of my younger brother's visits here to Chicago. My brother, several family members, and myself had just gone to a local restaurant and stuffed ourselves silly. Afterwords we decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee. Well, my brother  ended up getting a large roll and two doughnuts. He happily ate the two donuts. When he got to the coffee roll his face looked pained. He picked it up and stared at it and exclaimed "this one's gonna hurt"; he then promptly ate it.10月10日 White Sox....Oh Yeah Baby! I'm so excited; my aunt gave me her playoff tickets to go see the 1st playoff game between the White Sox and Yankees/Angels. It will be so fun. I can't believe she gave her ticket up, but she has school and I guess it's something she can't miss. Well, I will let ya'll know how it was! 10月5日 Worry WartMan, I worry too much. People have always been telling me that I overanalyze everything. That translates to worrying too much. I don't know what it is about me that causes me to worry so much. Partly I know it has to do with the fact that I absolutely hate to disappoint people. Often, if I feel that something I've done is going to affect another person or somehow upset them, I will start thinking about it obsessively. I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer by now. Lately I've been trying to work on this trait of mine to try to take better care of myself, but I still spend a lot of time worrying over events and life in general. Right now I have a few issues on my plate that are causing me a lot of worry. The only way I can seem to rid myself of the thoughts is to remedy the situation. Well, in order to take care of the problems, it requires a bit of me being assertive and that isn't exactly my strong point either. So I will keep working to make myself a worry free assertive machine and everything will be peachy. 9月29日 Everyone Is Looking At MeSometimes I get this feeling like everyone is looking at me. I'll just be standing around, minding my own business and I will notice that an entire crowd of people are staring at me. Do I have something on my face? A bit of leftover breakfast, some extra toothpaste? Because I have an inferiority complex, I may even feel like I just look so funny naturally that people can't help but look.
As may be expected, sometimes I have to assume roles of responsibility. Currently I am supervising the administration of the LSAT. That means HUNDREDS of people are staring at me. When I announce that it will be a few more minutes until they are admitted, I get dozens of blank stares. Oh no! Did I not make sense? Did I speak in an alien language? Am I an alien?
Gradually, I hope to overcome this complex and realize that people are generally much too concerned with their own issues to care about staring at me. Until then I will continue to feel the eyes boring into me from all directions...
 9月28日 Oh Yeah, and Patience TooAlong with the whole living simply thing, I'd like to also be more patient. Sometimes I find myself becoming angry for having to wait while an elderly person gets on the bus or the person ahead of me in the checkout line takes way too long paying their money. It seems that I am in a big hurry to get somewhere, but generally I am not. That is one thing I've noticed about living in Chicago. Everyone is always buzzing around as if they're in a big hurry. In Montana, the pace of life is so slow. I think that the over all atmosphere of where I am living plays a big role in how I myself feel.
Basically, I want to be able to feel relaxed no matter what situation I am in. There is nothing so important that I have to work myself up over having to wait an extra few minutes. Now I know sometimes this will not be the case; there are certain instances where things just aren't going well and it will upset me. Generally though, I want to be a more patient and understanding person. I think that feeling more relaxed inside will put me at ease and allow me to enjoy life more fully. 9月26日 Look at me, I'm a deer...I feel like the "deer in headlights". Man, sometimes it just seems like life is coming at you full speed like a Mack truck and you just don't have the wherewithal to respond in a timely manner. Right now I have so many things coming at me unrelentingly and I feel like I can barely catch my breath. In a way, it's good to keep my mind busy and not become bored, but some things are weighing very heavily on my mind. At times I feel like it's more than I can handle. Why does life have to be so much work? 9月23日 My Childhood Idol...When I was a little girl, I was absolutely in love with country singer Don Williams. His deep bass voice and his gentle, real lyrics really spoke to me. I used to dream about getting up on stage with him and singing along. As I grew up, I sort of turned my focus to other things; I'd only listen to him once in a great while. Well, recently I started listening to him again and realizing why I so admired him. This quote from his website says it well: “I don't think there's anything we have to do daily in our walk that's more important than how we deal with each other,” Williams confesses. “To me, it's everything. So when you're looking for songs, if they can express that, then you've found something special.”
My brother called me yesterday to let me know that Don Williams is playing in Montana in November and that my entire family plans on going (except me because I'm stuck here in Chicago). I'm really excited for them and I hope they enjoy themselves. 9月20日 Downsizing..."Live simply that others may simply live." ~ Elizabeth Seton
In the interest of saving money, I've decided to move into a smaller studio. It seems sort of scary considering the size of the apartment is akin to a college dorm room, but I guess I figure that as long as there is a place for me to sleep and stay warm and dry, I should be fine. The idea of simplifying my life has been on my mind for quite sometime. There are so many times where I'll buy something on the spur of the moment and later ask myself, "now what am I supposed to do with this thing"? What is it that drives me to make such inane purchases? Just how many knick knacks can one person own?
My current mission regarding this issue is to become more satisfied with living simply. One of my favorite quotes "want what you have and you'll always have what you want" (author unknown), says it all. If I can remember that I only need the necessities in order to survive, perhaps I'll be happy living with what I already have. This isn't to say that I won't sometimes desire something outside the realm of necessity, but I would like to try to become more focused on feeling fulfilled on the inside instead of trying to find meaning through material possessions. 9月8日 Picture Perfect FamilyThere is nothing like a newborn baby to renew your spirit - and to buttress your resolve to make the world a better place.
~Virginia Kelley
This past weekend I spent time in Santa Fe, NM with my best friend from high school. She is now married and has a beautiful baby daughter. It was so amazing being in that natural setting as a change from the city of Chicago. There are rocks everywhere piled into different shapes and mountains wherever you look. The weather is nearly perfect (even when it rained while we went swimming in a lake). All the nature surrounding me was a perfect setting to meet my friends new baby. She was so cute and happy and seemingly wise. It's amazing the emotions just being in the prescence of a baby can evoke. I took plenty of pictures which I will post later... 9月2日 Fun TimesThis weekend I am traveling to Santa Fe, New Mexico to see my good friend and her new baby. I am so excited! I'm getting to be of an age where settling down and having a few kids of my own is starting to sound mighty enticing. Whenever I'm around a new baby, I just feel such an intense maternal instict rising up in me. Does that mean I'm ready to have children? I'm not sure, but at least I know it is something I am looking forward to.
As I don't plan on popping out any children in the immediate future, I will have to comfort myself by spending time with other people's babies. I realize it isn't the same, but it will have to be enough for now. In case my friend is reading this, I just want to say don't worry about me smothering your little one...I promise to limit myself to only a few minutes of cuddling every hour or so (that seems fair to me). Look out darling Luna, here I come! 8月30日 Minding My MindSometimes I think I have the makings of a great person. So many thoughts go through my mind, it’s always working. I have a lot of self-critical voices telling me that my opinion doesn’t count or that it’s stupid, so I have a hard time sharing. As it is with many people, I had a hard time growing up. I won’t go into the gory details of that right now, but I will say that what I went through as a child helped form my mind. For this reason sometimes my thoughts are very irrational and I’m only beginning to spot them out. I’m in the process of massively overhauling my psyche. It is a long and difficult road. Many days all I can hear is the chorus of voices telling me that I am not a worthwhile human being and that I don’t matter in this world.
I am confident that my mind can be transformed and that I will slowly begin to resemble the me I am striving to be. My greatest wish is to become a perfectly balanced individual; confident and humble, intelligent and inquisitive, kind and assertive. Now I must be off, there is much to be done today! 8月29日 BrothersI have four brothers. It was interesting growing up being the only girl. There was always someone to play with (though we most often played "boy's games") and I was seldom bored. I was the second oldest child so I felt pretty maternal and protective of my brothers. As we got older, they outgrew me and started going out on their own. We didn't hang around as much, but we were still close. It's so strange now being all grown up and living away from my brothers. We still talk and see each other, but it's just not the same. When I do see them, I tend to have the feeling that I want to revert back to my childhood; I feel just as protective as I did when we were little and when they tick me off, I still feel the need to bop them one in the head.
 All in all, it is good growing up and watching my brothers go off and do their own thing, but sometimes I still long for the old days when we played made up games. Two of my brothers are visiting me now....maybe I can talk them into going outside to play with toy trucks tonight. 5月17日 MorningI am not a morning person. The night is my time of funness and comfort. When I wake up in the morning I feel like I'm in a deep fog and my mind doesn't want to emerge from my dream world. Sometimes I even stay in my dreams a little while I'm awake and it can make for a scary moment. There have been times when I wake up and "see" people in my apartment and they seem as if they're really there. That happened to me the other night. I woke when it was still a bit dark outside and there was a man sitting cross-legged at my computer desk. I saw him as clearly as if he was sitting right next to me. My breat stopped and I couldn't move. Who was this man in my apartment? Other days I just wake up and I'm lazy and feel like laying in bed forever. Those are the worst days. I have to struggle in my mind to get myself out of bed and ready for work. Once I'm up, I still feel all groggy and in my own mind/dream world. The following statement is from a play I did in kindergarden. I was the "mother" and had to tell my "children" to wake up because it was morning. Man I wish I was waking up now. Need more coffee. Need more sleep is more like it... Wake up you silly girl, it's morning now and the day has begun. "Get up, get up you silly head. Get up, get up, get out of bed. It's time to do your chores." 5月16日 My cat Belle, is the cutest cat in the whole world! She is in my photo album under blue pics. Sometimes she annoys me because she is so in need of attention, but that's okay. When I'm feeling blue she will come up and start nudging me and licking my hand and the world seems to get a little happier because of it.
5月9日 My funky feetOur computers are down at work, so I think I'll write a little diddy to take up some time. The feet in my photo section are mine. Yes, they are deformed, mutants, ugly, whatever you want to call them, but they get me from point a to point b. Sometimes (especially when I was younger) it is hard to have funky feet. People stare if you go barefoot, I used to have kids go diving under the water with their goggles when I was swimming so they could make fun of my feet. They are a result of a lifetime of rheumatoid arthritis. So in addition to their interesting appearance, they often hurt as well. Imagine my difficulty finding shoes! My right foot is a size and a half smaller than the left and the left foot has a large bunion which makes it difficult to buy shoes that aren't wide enough. If only they would make a shoe for someone like me that wouldn't cost an arm and a leg. Can you imagine the fun shape they would be! |
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